Girl Bye

Martha Hood Tips

Would your friends be there for you in a catastrophe?

Several years ago, during an emergency I realized that I had many sister friends that would help me pop the cork on a bottle of wine; they will even raise a glass to toast me. I called them my sisters, a group of friends whom I thought I could rely on during a tragedy or most cheerful moment of my life. Yet they are emotionally unavailable when I needed them. Not everyone will come running if you call for them. Some people become lifesavers while others run from the scene, it hard to heal broken relationships.

For a whole year I tried hard to repair broken friendships, I picked up the phone and called several friends- and got straight to the point: “why haven’t you contacted me? The last time I heard from you was when you needed my assistance with a personal problem.” Several stated that they were preoccupied with work and family. Some stated they often prayed for me. One friend responded “I am not very good at this sort of thing; I am used to you being supportive of me.”

Those excuses were not good enough for me, I replied “in order to have a friend you must be a friend”. I was able to confess and confront them with their opportunist behaviors; my directness scared many friends away, Yes, they desired my help financially, emotionally, and spiritually; however when it came to me needing them they failed to past the friendship test. But here’s what I learned: In order to have a friend you must be a friend.

Months would go by before they contacted me. Some people need to believe that I have a perfect life. They don’t want to be a part of someone else crisis.  None of my friends realized that I had helped them because I was able to empathize with their situations. I knew what it felt like to not have someone listen or be concerned. So I thought that I could teach my friends to be better friends if I showed them compassion. No matter who I confronted, I answered all their questions and told them everything they wanted to hear; Honesty is always the best policy.

I try not to push my problems on others unless they ask, yet, my friends have a habit of asking me to help them with their problems on a daily basis. I learned quickly that all friends do not know how to be friends. Some can be opportunist; they will call you if they want something, and God forbid if you ever need anything, as a woman of many words, I thought their behavior was immoral. It was hard for me to digest their behavior knowing, any individual will not be there to back you up as needed is the ultimate betrayal in any friendship.

However, I became angry by the lack of support that they showed me. I had to let several relationships go, it was hard for me. But it was in the best interest of self preservation. I weeded out the entire group and removed the opportunist and was left with a few sister friends. I understand that crisis’s may be difficult to handle, I was not asking for deep conversations. I was asking for support and respect, the same respect and support I had provided during our friendships.

So when you see me walking by myself! Don't get it twisted I am my own team.

Martha Hood PhD

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